


Not Waving

by superagentwolf



Series: Trust Yourself (To The Water) [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, POV Stiles, Stiles Loves Derek, The Pool Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 14:25:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2273169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superagentwolf/pseuds/superagentwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Stiles dropped Derek he only had one thing on his mind- but what's he supposed to tell Derek? I love you and I'm sorry?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Waving

 

_Nobody heard him, the dead man,_

_But still he lay moaning:_

_I was much further out than you thought_

_And not waving but drowning._

  


_Poor chap, he always loved larking_

_And now he’s dead_

_It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,_

_They said._

  


_Oh, no no no, it was too cold always_

_(Still the dead one lay moaning)_

_I was much too far out all my life_

_And not waving but drowning._

 

_-Stevie Smith_

 

* * *

 

 

When Stiles pulls Derek from the pool his heart is beating faster than he’s ever felt before.

Part of him can’t believe that he actually dumped the werewolf without a second thought. It’s a small part, though, and it’s quickly silenced. Stiles knows how to weigh his decisions, and he knows that even though it was _Derek_ he had to force himself to think straight.

Because it isn’t rational to have _any_ sort of crush, much less love, for someone that constantly threatens to rip your throat out with their teeth.

But for some reason, that doesn’t mean anything to Stiles. Maybe it’s because he’s the generation that’s been bred on Supernatural and the Avengers and Batman. Maybe it’s because he has a knack for getting into trouble. Maybe it’s because his Adderall doesn’t blunt the edge of his sharp world.

Maybe it’s because death is an old friend.

In any case Stiles feels like he’s inevitably drawn to Derek. Sourwolf. The guy that threatens him, shows absolutely no respect nor care for Stiles, seems to actually _hate_ him a little bit. Or a lot. The one person that won’t stand Stiles is the one that he’s hopelessly drawn to.

It’s a familiar loop that Stiles is stuck in. He thinks that maybe some cosmic karma is throwing this in his face but he cannot for the life of him think of what he’s done to deserve this. Any of this.

None if matters right now, though, because Derek is still and Stiles is afraid he may have just killed the one person who could have helped Scott. The one person he’s inexplicably falling for.

“Derek. _Derek_ ,” Stiles knows his voice is panicked but there’s no one around and he slaps the werewolf’s face worriedly. Derek isn’t opening his eyes and Stiles tries desperately to appeal to whatever deity has decided to bring them into the same universe. Because no god is so cruel that they would take back the one thing they’d tortured him with. The one thing he can’t have.

Stiles moves Derek onto his side and pool water escapes the man’s mouth in a sudden splash. Stiles feels his heart stop for a moment and he thinks that Derek _must_ be alive but he’s _still_ not moving.

Stiles knows CPR. It’s just that the small, irrational part of him that doesn’t know why he dropped Derek doesn’t want him to do this.

He’s afraid.

Afraid that he can’t do anything. Afraid that if he can, Derek will hate him even more. Stiles is so goddamn _afraid_ and for once it’s not some kanima or werewolf or hunter putting the fear in his chest. It’s _himself_.

Stiles isn’t about to let himself be controlled by fear. He never has. His hands move quickly, pumping Derek’s chest, and he feels like a madman for trying so hard to keep someone who hates him alive. _But I love him_. So he puts aside his fear and his hands move to Derek’s face and he leans down-

Derek coughs suddenly, gasping for breath as he arches off the floor.

Stiles can’t bring himself to move away as he hovers over Derek and he can hear the mangled sob that escapes his lips as he breathes heavily, feeling as if he’s just run a race. He closes his eyes for a minute, wanting to remember the way things were before because he’s certain Derek is about to throw him at the wall.

When Stiles opens his eyes he sees green ones gazing back at him. For a moment Derek looks confused and then understanding dawns and Stiles prepares himself for the inevitable. They stay there a moment too long, though, and Stiles realizes there’s more water on Derek’s face and he realizes it’s falling on him.

Derek reaches slowly with his hand to touch Stiles’ face and Stiles almost flinches, inhaling sharply. Derek brushes a finger under Stiles’ eyes and Stiles realizes he’s crying. _When did that happen?_ Stiles moves away quickly from where he’s been leaning over Derek and the moment passes, their silence broken by the soft lapping of the pool.

Derek rises partway, crouching, and then he’s suddenly right in front of Stiles, arms on either side of Stiles’ legs.

“Why did you do that?” Derek’s voice is harsh from pool water and Stiles blinks, mouth working soundlessly as he tries to come up with a passable substitute for the truth.

“I- I thought I could make it in time. I thought you’d hold your breath and-,”

“No,” Derek says quietly, and Stiles feels his heart stop as the man tilts his head, eyes piercing. “I know why you left me. Why did you come back?”

And if that’s not the million dollar question. Stiles knows that by all accounts he could’ve left Derek to die. He could have left him and then they would have been down another dangerous creature. He could have done the human thing and tried to save himself.

“It was the right thing to do,” Stiles says quietly, but even that isn’t it entirely. Stiles is the type of person who would run into a burning building if there was one person left but at some point he’s willing to give in.

_But not now._

“That’s not why,” Derek says, stronger than before, and he moves impossibly closer. Stiles swallows, watching the way Derek’s eyes follow the movement. And something clicks.

“I didn’t want you to die.”

Derek looks at Stiles like he’s an alien, like he’s something unique and strange and unbelievable. Stiles doesn’t understand it.

“Is it that hard to believe?” Stiles asks quietly, and Derek blinks, looking away for a moment. Like he’s ashamed. Or unsure.

“You don’t know me,” Derek says quietly, and he sounds like he’s trying to rationalize things. Stiles knows it all too well- trying to make sense, trying to explain something that makes no sense.

“I know you,” Stiles says, and he dares to move closer, watching the way Derek’s pupils leave only a thin band of green. “I trust you. Do you trust me?”

In the end, they come back to the same question. It’s always the same question. Does Derek trust Stiles, the human, the noisy, spastic teenager? Because Stiles trusts Derek, he always has, no matter what he’s said or done. Because there’s something in Derek’s eyes, something in his selfless way that Stiles knows all too well. It’s the suffering of a martyr, the self-inflicted pain that’s taken in stead of another, or maybe many others.

Stiles trusts Derek because he knows that Derek will always suffer for everyone else, and Stiles will do the exact same thing.

“Yes,” Derek says suddenly, and Stiles feels his eyes widen in shock at the admission. It’s not like Derek and he almost can’t believe it.

And in a moment of weakness Stiles moves forward, mouth finding Derek’s. It’s not planned and Stiles isn’t trying to be passionate- he just has to make Derek _know_. He has to make Derek understand how much this means.

Stiles sees stars behind his closed eyelids as Derek pushes him back against the wall, hands heavy against soaked fabric. Derek kisses Stiles back with a force that is unlike anything Stiles has ever felt. When they break away Stiles is panting, lungs robbed of all air. Derek’s eyes are dark as he watches Stiles, breath ghosting against Stiles’ lips.

“We should go,” Derek says softly, and Stiles nods but his eyes are curiously drawn to Derek’s mouth. Derek notices and he pulls Stiles forward, kissing him again, this time softer. Stiles clings to Derek’s shirt like they’re in the water again, about to drown.

And he won’t let go this time.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this to take a break from my longer fics- and I always wanted to try out this scene. I really do love it and I feel like it's one of the more loaded Stiles/Derek scenes in the series. Here's a version where things would have changed a whole lot more. I hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> For those interested, the title idea for the series is from Alan Watts: “To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.”


End file.
